The Army of Anubis
by Official Rambler
Summary: Nobody told him he had one.


It was a Sunday afternoon, and Anubis and Wepwawet were watching television, for lack of better things to do. Bastet was occupied upstairs, roleplaying online. Previews for _The Mummy_ came on television, advertising that it would be up next.

"Ooh! They're showing the whole trilogy!" exclaimed Wepwawet, bouncing a little on the couch. Anubis gave the wolf god a half-hearted glare.

"If you want to see it that badly, why don't we go out and rent it?" drawled the jackal god.

"Because Bast's the only one of us with cash money?" he shrugged. "Besides, I'm lazy. In a way, I can't believe we haven't seen it already."

"Their theology is probably going to make me very angry, but all right," sighed Anubis, leaning back and placing the channel changer on the coffee table.

Three hours later, at the end of the first movie, Wepwawet was cackling like mad and Anubis was glaring fit to melt a hole in the wall.

"Why must they always portray me as the penultimate evil?" he strained. "It's always in my name that all sorts of atrocities are committed. Yes, I'm the keeper and protector of the dead. Yes, I can summon undead. But Osiris is not the good guy, either!"

"Oh, come on," giggled Wepwawet. "It's good entertainment. I wonder who that Imhotep guy was?"

Anubis jerked his head towards the bookshelf, and Wepwawet flicked his wrist, using his god-powers to summon a volume stored there.

"_Egyptian Mythology Who's Who_," he mumbled, looking through it. "Do you ever find it ironic that _we_ need this thing?"

"Daily," said Anubis.

"Ichneumon, Ikhnaten, Illness, Images… aha, Imhotep. Deified Egyptian sage-magician… lived during reign of Zoser I… genius architect, built the Step Pyramid," Wepwawet read, and snapped the book shut. "Okay, we can dismiss these movies as complete malarkey, and enjoy them for their entertainment value alone."

Anubis looked as though he were going to say something, but snapped his mouth shut as the second movie came on. Three more hours later, and both canine deities were sitting on the couch, slack-jawed and confused.

"Why didn't you tell me you had an army?" Wepwawet asked accusingly.

"I didn't know I had an army," protested Anubis. "Did you know I had an army?"

"If I knew you had an army, I'd have borrowed it a few times by now!" exclaimed Wepwawet.

"When did I get an army?" Anubis bleated. "Why didn't anybody tell me I had an army?"

"Oh, whatever. We aren't even sure you really do have an army," growled Wepwawet.

"What's up, guys?" Bastet, the cat goddess, asked cheerily, coming down the stairs.

"Did you know I had an army?" Anubis asked her curiously.

"Who says you have an army?" she replied.

"_The Mummy Returns_," said Wepwawet.

"Oh, then it's bollocks," shrugged Bastet.

"I want to know for certain," frowned Anubis. "Because if I do have an army, and someone's been hiding it from me…"

"But who can we ask?" Bastet queried rhetorically.

"Let's dig up this Imhotep character and find out," suggested Wepwawet hopefully.

"But the movie's version of him is bollocks," said Anubis.

"If the movie's bollocks, then you don't have an army," replied Wepwawet, waggling his eyebrows.

"Great! Let's go to Egypt. Daddy just put this month's allowance into my credit card account, so we're good to go!" cheered Bastet, punching the air.

"Wait, it's been agreed?" Anubis asked, but Wepwawet and Bastet were already upstairs packing.

* * *

Customs at LAX were exceptionally painful, especially for Anubis, the most obviously middle-eastern of the three. Bastet hardly got a second glance, her human form being short, fair, and blonde. Wepwawet, his human form tall and golden tan with strikingly premature gray hair and blue eyes, attracted stares from most of the females in anyplace he went. Anubis was almost black, but with unmistakably middle-eastern facial characteristics. Security harassed him.

"Oh, for crying out loud," he growled. "I don't even have a beard! Look, I'm not carrying so much as a bottle of nail polish, much less explosives, so would you please let me on board the plane!"

Finally, after a strip search (the security person was female, so it wasn't unpleasant _or_ unexpected) Anubis and the others were let on the aeroplane.

The flight to Alexandria was painfully long. Anubis would have committed ritual suicide before it was over, if they all hadn't thought to bring their electronics. Wepwawet and Bastet battled Pokemon against each other, and Anubis watched movies on his ipod. As it was, Wepwawet drank far too much ginger ale and nearly threw up all over the flight attendant. However, she'd been hitting on him since Dallas, so things evened out.

After what seemed like days, but was really only about one, and miles of airport hallways and security, the trio emerged into the dry Egyptian sun. Anubis breathed in deeply.

"Smells like home," he sighed. "How long has it been?"

"Thirty years," Bastet said, shaking her head a little in amazement. "I wonder why we've stayed away so long."

"Burnout," Wepwawet grunted laconically. "We needed a break."

"Eh," shrugged Anubis. "Now what? Why'd we come to Alexandria, anyway, instead of Cairo or somewhere more central?"

"Don't you remember? Set and Sekhmet live here," Bastet grinned. Anubis tensed, then smiled. Wepwawet burst out laughing.

"Of course! We can't go on an adventure without dragging them into it! Oh, I'll be glad to see that old bastard again…" he chuckled.

With that, they hailed a taxi, and wasted five minutes with the meter running, arguing over who _really_ knew Set's home address.

* * *

"Damn," said Wepwawet, scratching the back of his neck as he looked up at the majestic house beyond the wrought iron gate in front of them. "Was this here before?"

"Yes," said Anubis. "But you weren't."

"Yoo-hoo!" Bastet called, rattling the bars and jabbing at the doorbell. "Anybody home? Oh!" she exclaimed, falling forward a little as the gate creaked open, sliding on remote-controlled hinges.

"I guess we just go in," shrugged Wepwawet. Anubis shouldered past him. Set was his uncle, and Anubis knew him better than either of his companions did. Such easy access was clearly a trap.

From around the corner of the house came bounding a majestically bizarre and terrifying creature. It had the head of a crocodile, the mane and front legs of a lion, and the hindquarters of a hippopotamus. It was baying like a hound dog and running full tilt at the trio, foam dripping from its jaws. Wepwawet screamed like a little girl and hid behind Bastet, who completely froze.

"AMMIT!" Anubis cried joyfully, spreading his arms and kneeling to catch the rampaging beast in an embrace. The two collided, and Anubis fell over backwards with the creature in his arms. "Who's a good Devourer? You are! You are!" the jackal god baby-talked, as he play wrestled with the beast.

"From this day hence, I disown you," Wepwawet said disgustedly, scowling to hide his embarrassment at being startled so.

"Ooh! Its just Ammit!" Bastet gasped, kneeling beside Anubis to pet the Devourer of Souls on its long scaly snout.

"Ah," said a new voice, one lazy and rough. "I thought it might be you."

"Set!" Anubis cried, so happy at his reunion with Ammit that he jumped up and grabbed his uncle in a hug. The god of storms blinked and pulled back.

"Well, that was extremely out of character," he drawled. Still pale, thin, and majestically tall, he hadn't aged a day in the thirty years since they had seen each other. His mane of red hair, however, which had once fallen to his waist, was now cut to a short, respectable length, which matched his respectable white linen suit.

"Set-kun!" exclaimed Bastet, tackling him around the middle. The top of her head still only came up to his collarbone. She reached up, running her fingers through his cropped hair. "Aww," she said. "Now I can't braid it anymore."

"Yo," said Wepwawet, waving casually, not adding his own hug to the pool on the basis of not being female or related to Set. "What's the idea, setting the Devourer on your guests?"

"You weren't my guests. You came in uninvited," Set smirked.

"But the gate opened…" Bastet protested.

"It's always open. But those who know me are smart enough to wait for someone to come for them," Set grinned openly. "But apparently, those who know me _best_ won't be eaten by my pets."

"Where's Sekhmet?" Bastet asked eagerly, craning her neck to see around Set, and into the house. "I want to glomp my little sister!"

"Oh, great. It's you all again," deadpanned the little sister in question, emerging from the doorway. Sekhmet was actually far from little, the tawny-haired lioness goddess was a respectable height for a mortal, although Anubis and Set still towered over her. Despite her vaguely sour expression, the sparkle in her yellow eyes betrayed how glad she was to see the visitors.

"Yee!" cried Bastet, tackling her sister, making them swing in a circle from the momentum. Very gracefully, Sekhmet disengaged, and before Bastet could strike again, had shaken hands with Wepwawet, and was facing Anubis with a small smirk playing on her lips.

"How's my favorite Auntie?" Anubis asked impishly. Sekhmet frowned briefly, then rose to the occasion.

"Ooh, just in raptures over how much her favorite nephew has GROWN!" she squealed, seizing both of Anubis' cheeks in a pinch that made Wepwawet cringe and suck in his breath. Growling, Anubis broke free of her grip and grabbed her around the middle, slinging her over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. He stepped towards the door, but Set blocked his path.

"Just what, exactly, are you going to do, with my wife?" Set asked archly. Anubis shrugged, causing Sekhmet to be jostled. She was about ten seconds away from clobbering him, but she wanted to hear his answer first. Anubis remained silent for a beat, shifty-eyed.

"Um… buttsex?" he said. Bastet fell over with a squeak, Wepwawet burst out laughing again, and Set's lazy grin took on a sharklike edge.

"Make it a threesome," Set shot back.

"Done and done," said Anubis, and Sekhmet elbowed him on the back of his head, making him drop her right on top of Ammit, who had chosen that moment to jump up and beg Anubis for more attention.

It took several minutes to sort out the confusion and file everybody inside, but after ten minutes, they were seated in an airy green-walled room, sipping orangina and sprawled across a wicker furniture set.

"So," Set said, steepling his fingers and looking over them, directly at Anubis. "What, pray tell, is so monumental that it has brought you to Egypt again, after thirty long years of absence?"

"Well," began Anubis. "It all started this last Sunday…"

* * *

Anubis explained everything, including the plot of the movies, which Set and Sekhmet hadn't seen either. Bastet and Wepwawet added their two cents from time to time, but mostly the jackal god was able to make the issue clear in his own words.

"In essence, you want to know if this Imhotep really existed as portrayed in the movie, because if he did, then you quite plausibly have an army," Set summed up at the end.

"Yes," nodded Anubis. "And if I do have an army, and nobody's told me after all this time, it's a good excuse to go give Osiris or somebody a swift kick up the arse."

"We all search for such excuses," murmured Set. "But see. The Imhotep most noted in history was the architect and philosopher of the time of Zoser, who built the Step Pyramid at Saqquara. This alone is enough to push the movie into the category of 'bollocks,' but they certainly go further. For instance, the summoning the plagues of Egypt thing? Zoser et cetera predate the Israelite captivity in Egypt. Therefore, at the time when the historical Imhotep would have been buried, the plagues of Egypt wouldn't even have happened yet."

"It could be a different Imhotep," suggested Bast, raising a finger. "One that was an advisor under, oh, say, one of the Ramseses?"

"That is indeed a notion," nodded Set with a grin, leaning back and looking rather devilish.

"One that you've been convinced of since we brought up the entry in the _Who's Who_," Wepwawet snorted. "You never tell us anything, you just let us figure stuff out a step behind you. I don't know why we even come to you for help."

"Because he's sexy," said Anubis and Sekhmet simultaneously, then laughed nervously.

"Yes," said Set, who allowed a moment's ambiguity as to what he was agreeing to, before continuing. "There was another Imhotep, during the reign of Seti I. But you were close, Bastet, because Seti came sandwiched in between Ramses one and two."

"Oooh," said Bastet. "Really?"

"Very much so really," nodded Set. "Your story came at an interesting time for me. You see, I believe I may have located his final resting place."

"The oasis of Ahm-Shere?" Anubis leaned forward, eagerly.

"A place you know well, my jackal friend," said Set. "Although not by that name. It is the place in the desert where you buried your foster-mother Iadi, and later… Ayat."

"Oh," said Anubis, very quietly. Bastet placed a hand on his arm, studying his profile worriedly.

"The supposed Golden Pyramid was probably built on top of it at a later date, by the Scorpion King, who by all accounts sold his soul to you in exchange for an army," Set continued. "How much do you remember, Anubis, about the time after Ayat's death?

"Not… much…" he murmured, black eyes deep with pain and memories. "Sand. Storm. Anger. Pain."

"Well, I do remember, although I was in hiding in Greece at the time," Set affirmed. "I had a griffin keep watch over you, a griffin whose eyes I could see through if I chose. During that time, Anubis, you were well and truly the black god."

"He's right, bro," Wepwawet said. "You weren't yourself. When I wasn't there to restrain you, who knows what you might have done?"

"So I made myself an army and now I can't remember it?" Anubis said, looking up. His smirk was bitter. "That's almost as bad as that time in Tijuana."

"I don't remember that time in Tijuana…" Wepwawet trailed off.

"Sure sign that you were there," smirked Sekhmet.

"Anyway," said Set. "I think we can establish that at least a certain chunk of the movie was not, in fact, bollocks."

"What can we do about it, then?" Bastet asked. "I mean, about this mysteriously missing army."

"I guess we go to Sudan and dig it up," Anubis said, standing up with an expression of stone.

"No need, my friend. My daughter is already there and doing it for us," Set smiled, with a lazy wave of his hand.

There was a very poignant silence throughout the room for a few minutes.

"Wait… you have a daughter?" Anubis finally managed to squeak.

"I and Sekhmet are indeed the proud parents of one gorgeous little girl," Set said, his grin broadening.

"Sekhmet, why didn't you tell us!" yelled Bastet, launching herself at her sister. "I've been an aunt for how long and didn't even know!?"

"She's twenty-eight now," shrugged Sekhmet. "We didn't think you wanted to be bothered, after that incident thirty years ago."

"Good heavens," breathed Anubis. "The god of evil and storms and the goddess of blood and destruction had a child together? What made you think that was a good idea?"

"Well, you know," grinned Set. "We have been married for a while. It's rather what married people do."

"But I thought—you couldn't have a child with your first wife because you were infertile!" blurted out Wepwawet. Set fixed him with an icy glare.

"No, it was because Osiris placed a curse on me. Didn't think I was fit to reproduce. But I've grown stronger than him over the years, and broken it," Set sniffed.

"Good heavens," said Anubis again. "You and Sekhmet, having a kid. Is there room in the world for so much evil?"

"Well, if the law of balance and dramatic irony is still in effect, then by all rights she should turn out to be the goddess of flowers, fluffy cute things and baby kittens," said Set with a small smile.

"Should turn out? Wait, you mean she isn't a goddess yet?" Anubis' head tilted to the side, very like a canine, sure sign he was confused.

"We haven't told her we're deities, and she never really has shown any supernatural powers, unless you count the ability to get people to do pretty much anything for her," Sekhmet drawled. "But then again, she is female."

"You do realize that won't end well," said Bastet.

"What's her name?" Anubis asked.

"Naomi Pierce, only daughter of Seth and Sarah Pierce," smiled Sekhmet. "Our names were Set's idea, but I named Naomi myself."

"And you've sent her to dig up a potentially dangerous undead sorcerer," Wepwawet sniffed. "Kind."

"Well, it's actually the British Museum of Natural History," Set corrected. "She's an Anthropologist and a Linguist with the program there."

"Tell the truth, we're sort of hoping the sorcerer turns out to be undead and dangerous," interjected Sekhmet. "Might get her to use her goddess powers."

"Hnnnh," Anubis said. "Really."

"Yes, really. Say, do you want to go down to the dig and watch? I'm a major contributor to, well, pretty much everybody involved, so they won't give us any trouble," Set offered eagerly. "It would be a terrific way to celebrate your return to Egypt."

"Absolutely," Anubis said. "Why the hell not?"

* * *

_Disclaimer: Don't own the Mummy etcetera, but I do have a plushie of Anubis._

_Anubis… mmm, Anubis…_

_Eheh, sorry. The drool shorted out my keyboard temporarily. Anyway, this lot springs from a plotbunny that bit me one fine Saturday afternoon when I was doing essentially what Anubis and Wepwawet were. It occurred to me that I'd never heard an army ever mentioned in connexion with Anubis. He wasn't really that popular of a cult, and was generally a peaceful, if vaguely creepy about dead people, deity. _

_So, it all went downhill from there. Mmm, ano, the characterizations seen here of the assorted Egyptian deities are all mine. If you want to use these particular versions of the gods, ask me first._

_I'm pretty sure this story is going to drastically change directions._


End file.
